Heartaches of the Tears and Secrets Fears By Kuyong Chuin (Pseudonym) 18:45 October 28, 2010

I have PTSD so a lot of the time I get somewhat emotional easily especially when I am low or out of my medication till I see the Doctor again like I am now. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for those who don’t know what it stands for. So please bear through this with me.  I, like every one, have fears. We all do at one time or another. How we live with this fear is some of the hardest things we will ever do. You have to face them head on at times. And there are times that you do not know what to do to cope with these fears. And with that it brings on heartache more times than anything else. You can have a fear so bad that you want to tell someone about what is causing you this fear but you don’t know who you can talk to, someone who will understand what you are going through because they have been through the same thing and will be there for you just like you try to be there for them no matter what.

This fear is a secret, a secret that you have kept for about four decades because the fear that you have inside of this secret it eats away at your resolve to let it go and face your fear. You fear that if the fear is known, people will look at or treat you in a different way. It affects your relationships with those closest to you because this fear makes you over protective toward the ones you love. You want to wrap your arms around them holding them tight so no harm comes to them and not realizing that you are holding on too tight and causing to them a different type of hurt and fear because you are suffocating them in the process. This also causes your loved ones to think that you are weird and in turn pushes the ones you care about, love and need the most away from you when you need them the most.

All this brings the tears that you silently and alone bear so no one else feels your pain and learns the secret fear that you face alone each and every day of your life. The fear that makes you do things different from what you would normally do if you didn’t have this fear. When you are disabled as well and can’t do the things that you used to could do to made you happy it make things worse off for all evolved. When it is at a point that even traveling to see the ones you love is something that you can not do because the pain that you live with everyday it causes a different type of pain. It causes a heartache that is too much to bear without the friends and family that you love there for you for support. But, because of the secret fear that you live with it makes having that special friend that you really need harder to come by. When you have PTSD and seven herniated disk affecting the nerve roots of the spine this makes life and everything connected with it that much harder to bear the “Heartaches of the Tears and Secret Fears.”  

Sunshine and Princesses By Kuyong Chuin (Pseudonym) 10:45 October 28, 2010

I like to write things; stories, poetry, music, or just talking to friends. But this is going to be a first for me. I am starting this “blog” because for one I was inspired to write again after a long period that I just did not want or feel like writing anything. After something that happened this morning it suddenly I feel like writing again and what better way to start than by telling you about me reminiscing with old friends that I have not seen or talked with in almost three decades but remember them like it was yesterday. Well today that is what happened to me. I will not use real names without the subject of the stories approval. So for now I’ll just use nicknames that I always gave some of my friends even if some never knew that I had nicknames for them.

This morning I was on one of the social networks that I use to keep in touch with family and friends when I saw a name I had not seen in years even though I had tried to locate this friend a very long time ago right after she moved away to make sure she was ok and happy where they were living at now that they had moved. But back then we didn’t have the internet that we have today so I never was lucky enough to stay in touch with this wonderful person until now.

I will call her sunshine princess because that is what I called her then and if she ever reads this, just maybe she will remember that was what I called her, ether sunshine or princess even though she didn’t know why I had used these particular nicknames for her. Well almost three decades later she will now know the reasons behind them. I called her sunshine because her big bright smile, those sparkling eyes, and a personality that would bring a ray of sunshine into any ones life she came in contact with. I know she always brought a ray of sunshine to my little world every day that I saw her and that smile.  But she was always “Princess” to me as well. Not because of the contest that she won, but because she was someone that was so special she deserved to be placed on a pedestal or throne. Now she has her throne but she is no longer a “Princess”. She is now a “Queen” with a princess and a prince of her own and her King in her own little kingdom by her side.

Seeing her pictures and talking about old times brought a lot of fond memories but some painful ones as well. Something one of my Nieces posted but I don’t know if it was from her own sweet head or she read it somewhere, but it says it all. “God gave me you for good or bad, he gave me you to show me my past and the life that I now have, God gave me you to help me fight my tears and hide my fears so wherever you are and whatever you do always remember God gave me you...” 

That just about sums up the way I feel. Take “Sunshine” for example, I am glad that God allowed her to be a part of my life. Without ever knowing it she inspired me to try and to do things that I would have never tried if I hadn’t known her. The pain of losing her that day and not being able to see her smiling face and hear  her kind words when she had to move away was painful but it made me stronger person because of it. It made me strong enough to bare the pain of losing four of the people I loved most in the world when I lost all four within a few months of one another. She gave me the courage to say what I am feeling to someone before it is too late to do so.  She taught me to be strong and to comfort someone in their time of need, while putting on a “mask” hiding my own tears and fears to be strong for them when they needed someone. She did all this without ever knowing that she did this to all those around her that knew her best. She and others like her will always hold a very special place in the hearts of the ones that they changed the lives of without ever knowing what they did for us. For this I and other like me, will always Love these very special friends like “Sunshine”. We all need at least one “Sunshine Princess” in our lives. In her little kingdom there are at least three very lucky people to have that much “Sunshine” and a “Princess” that became a Queen in their lives.